dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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