Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
