How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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