My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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