just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
