The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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