He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
