I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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