Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
