All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
