I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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