Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
