mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
