Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
