I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
