that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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