sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
