life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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