I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Randomize
