at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
