Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
