She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
