God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
