Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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