alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
