a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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