i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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