I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I love having hate sex.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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