you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
