I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
