Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize