I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize