Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize