what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
