420 ftw
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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