OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
too bad you live with your parents still
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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