It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
