I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
