dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
