In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
