My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Two words: blizzard sex
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
