Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
