yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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