My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I am midnight drunk by noon
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
