You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
