I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
