Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just cropdusted the office
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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