Even the bartender felt bad for me
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
