Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
