Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
this boner is exhausting
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
