YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
from now on my penis is your penis
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
