Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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