Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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