How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
