New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
