I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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