So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize